I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
You Might Also Like
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.