These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
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The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
road rage
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.