Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
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Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him