My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
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Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
What about second breakfast?
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
My dog ate my work from home.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.