Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
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I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Kids, do not try this at home!
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”