REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
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Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy