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not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
love pickles so much i put myself in one
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
[eulogy]
line?
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Someone just threatened to call me later
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem