I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
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My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.