Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
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My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.