I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
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imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.