Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
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STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*