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Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.