My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
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“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids