“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
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Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
i did the math
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
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When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.