Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
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the #horror is real!
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.