Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
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“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.