My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
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It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
channeling her this year
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.