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Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.