Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
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My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.