7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
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Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it