Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
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Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.