Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
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microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.