*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
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So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
necessity is the mother of invention
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*