Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
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accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.