Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
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Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper