Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
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which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.