“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
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“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.