*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
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I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.