Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
You Might Also Like
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Super Hand Dog Face
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.