I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
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Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.