Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
You Might Also Like
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
me 2 months after i graduated
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain