“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
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I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.