me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
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I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF