If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
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Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Chemical wingman
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT