[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
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Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Thank you corporation very cool
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.