My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
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Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Me: how are you
Friday: good
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.