True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
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Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
No selfies while hijacking a train.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”