Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
You Might Also Like
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.