CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
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Are you dating a bunch of bees?
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
I only look at Wordle for the articles
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.