How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
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*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Pee pressure > peer pressure
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.