*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
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neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
¯_(ツ)_/¯
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.