[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
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[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
6: are snakes just neck?
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.