I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
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[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.