Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
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sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.