Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
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A little too much information.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”