You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
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CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping