[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
You Might Also Like
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus