A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
You Might Also Like
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using