[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
You Might Also Like
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*