[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
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HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.